I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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