i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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