4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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