This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
