So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
