The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
