I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
