Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
