if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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