You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
