dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
