I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
