I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She's the barista slut.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
