My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
