you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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