I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
