Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
do herpes really smell.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize