I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
