u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
