Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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