wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
