I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
