WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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