True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
