what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
