I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
