Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
