If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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