I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
