one two three fourrrrnication!
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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