u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
