Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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