I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
