I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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