I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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