just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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