wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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