This dress was meant to end up on your floor
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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