When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize