I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
