Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
