My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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