I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
