I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
