Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
