you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I have aggressive nipples.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
