I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
