from now on my penis is your penis
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
