You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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