I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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