She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
