Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
