the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
