hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
