i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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