god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
